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The only way you can find out for sure is by letting him know you want to talk to him in a non-judgmental way to find out how he feels about the situation. He may see apologising as an admission of guilt for his homosexuality, rather than for betraying your mother. I’d be very surprised if your father feels guilt-free about his affair, but I also imagine those feelings are laced with a degree of liberation at summoning the courage to reveal himself in an honest way. In the long-term, sex becomes a smaller element of the bigger relationship. It may not be particularly romantic, but it is a realistic proposal and not unusual. Your father may want to ride off into the sunset with his lover, but he’s just as likely to want to maintain the friendship his marriage must be, but with a fresh honesty about their physical relationship. If they can manage to reach a compromise, who knows, maybe they don’t even need to split up? By the time you hit your mid-60s you’re either desperate to blow the lid off the status quo, or comfortably shaped around the life you’ve created. Seen from a different perspective their marriage isn’t a failure but an evolving partnership. Perhaps a vote of confidence in them both from all three of their children, celebrating the enduring security they’ve offered you by staying together and sacrificing more than you’ll ever understand, would be an encouraging position to start from. Your parents have been married for 40 years which is a pretty amazing achievement. I don’t know the extent to which your father has denied his sexuality to himself, let alone the rest of the world, but as father to three daughters I imagine he’s no stranger to compromise. The path we choose to navigate through the myriad choices available is what makes us who we are. These days the idea of suppressing urges, or choosing an alternative path from the one you’re programmed for, is seen as an abdication of personal freedom – but actually most of us will at some point present a fictional face to the world.
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Secret fantasies and longings are part of being human and, though your sexual preference is an ingredient of who you are, it doesn’t offer the full picture. I sympathise with your mother’s need for an apology and to ascertain just who she’s been living with for the past four decades, but my suspicion is he’s exactly the man she thought he was. I’m presuming he too is in his mid-60s and that’s a very long time to wait to express your full sexuality.
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Having an affair is certainly not to be applauded, but if your father has waited this long to succumb to his natural desires then he also deserves your respect.
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Making your bid at mediation from a judgmental starting point will make your task even harder. Mariella replies With difficulty I suspect. Can you advise me on the best way to support both of them? He needs to admit that what he did was wrong. I want to support her, and reach out to my dad, but he is finding it difficult to talk. For my mum, the idea of starting her life again on her own at the age of 65 with no income is insurmountable. They are living in a poisonous atmosphere. Even though he is a Christian, he doesn’t seem to see that his affair, regardless of his sexual proclivity, was wrong. My dad feels responsible for my mum as he has been the primary earner during their marriage, but his (relatively small) income would not stretch to support them both independently. My mother wants a full explanation of what happened, who he really is, and what he wants. Last year my father told my mother he was gay and had had an affair with a family friend for 18 months. The dilemma My parents have been married for 40 years.